...the first star i see
I'm tired. I'm stressed out.
and I hate not having the right to be in a bad mood.
Arguably, things are getting "better" in terms of my own responsibility to being a functioning human being but at times the emotional toll of my own transitory period is barely worth the light at the end of this particularly long, dark tunnel of self-made obstacles. I am starting to understand people who get crushed beneath the weight of their own inadequacy. People that end up shriveled husks of who they were, content to while away their days in needless jobs that dull their sense of humanity only slightly less than the endless, corrosive chatter spewing into their living rooms each night from their beloved televisions. It's not the stress or the difficulty that mutates us. It's not the pressure or the shame of failure.
It is that final resignation to the monotony and futility of it all.
I have not reached that point. Not yet. But I can definitely see the oddly comforting glow if its eternally burning campfire past a once distant hill that now seems much too close for comfort.
What I find odd is the paths my mind has been taking to escape. It seems my subconscious has forgone clinging to the "Big" events in my past that, at one time, had served as comfort in times less fruitful and has, instead, begun to focus on what I can only describe as the utter minutia of my past experiences. It's as if the chip in this particular disc keeps throwing the laser back to pictures of an empty California landscape whizzing past an open van window on what could be any one of a hundred days on tour, to any number of Thursday walks from my former high school to the mall, or to nights with my dad lying next to a campfire staring at the stars..the nearest unnatural light more than 50 miles away.
That last one is really sticking hard with me at the moment. I guess sometimes what I really need is an empty forest, a campfire, and a sky full of clear, cold stars.
Shit, I should really end this post before I clumsily slop anymore of this self-serving drivel on the page (or screen...or..whatever)
see you all soon
and I hate not having the right to be in a bad mood.
Arguably, things are getting "better" in terms of my own responsibility to being a functioning human being but at times the emotional toll of my own transitory period is barely worth the light at the end of this particularly long, dark tunnel of self-made obstacles. I am starting to understand people who get crushed beneath the weight of their own inadequacy. People that end up shriveled husks of who they were, content to while away their days in needless jobs that dull their sense of humanity only slightly less than the endless, corrosive chatter spewing into their living rooms each night from their beloved televisions. It's not the stress or the difficulty that mutates us. It's not the pressure or the shame of failure.
It is that final resignation to the monotony and futility of it all.
I have not reached that point. Not yet. But I can definitely see the oddly comforting glow if its eternally burning campfire past a once distant hill that now seems much too close for comfort.
What I find odd is the paths my mind has been taking to escape. It seems my subconscious has forgone clinging to the "Big" events in my past that, at one time, had served as comfort in times less fruitful and has, instead, begun to focus on what I can only describe as the utter minutia of my past experiences. It's as if the chip in this particular disc keeps throwing the laser back to pictures of an empty California landscape whizzing past an open van window on what could be any one of a hundred days on tour, to any number of Thursday walks from my former high school to the mall, or to nights with my dad lying next to a campfire staring at the stars..the nearest unnatural light more than 50 miles away.
That last one is really sticking hard with me at the moment. I guess sometimes what I really need is an empty forest, a campfire, and a sky full of clear, cold stars.
Shit, I should really end this post before I clumsily slop anymore of this self-serving drivel on the page (or screen...or..whatever)
see you all soon
posted by Jerry Kansky at
4:49 PM
2 Comments
